can't we just escape reality for a little longer. ..

I know I have not updated this in a while and I have a lot of back-blogging to do. I need to blog about the African Schools Debating Championship, which is where I have been for the past week, and lots of other things. But right now, I just feel like blogging about all these feelings swimming around my mind and body.

I feel very sad. I was at ASDC with my lovely friends all week. It was hell at times but it was a break. To put it simply...I would leave my hotel room in a complete mess in the morning and when I returned home, it was sparkling clean with new towels and all. That is what I felt like most of the week, I would leave early in the morning tired and irritated anticipating a horrid day, and i would return home happy and filled with satisfaction that it went well and filled with happy friend feelings.

At ASDC 2009 i was an adjudicator and I made some of the best friends i have and this year at ASDC, even though i was organising it this year and was much busier, I felt like i got to rekindle those friendship with people I had not see in ages.

The nature of this competition (which i will tell you about in another blog post) is one that is unique because it brings together schools from around SA and countries from around Africa. It is a one and only event in South Africa. What really fills you with happiness is seeing the kids enjoy this event. I was head of registration which means I chose the teams and invited them. For me the African nature of the competition was more important, and i wish more countries could have come, but it is expensive to travel. But those countries and schools that did come, LOVED IT...and i know this because they told me every day. Do you know how wonderful that is! Kids who are learning and enjoying the tournament that had given you nightmares for the past 6 months; teachers and chaperons who are thanking you for this opportunities and teams who are so eager to come next year. It really makes it all worth while.

Yes, there were technical hitches and this morning was a major one where our fearless leaders decided to not be fearless and it was chaos that resulted in me nearly crying and feelings getting hurt. Not a great way to end the tournament but everyone is home safe and sound right now, which is all that counts.

So, as of 4:30 today i was feeling some sadness that it was over and i left my ASDC friends for another year, but relief that it was done, pure exhaustion for a week of nonstop work and of course fear for the reality that is waiting for me at UCT!

Now to add it all off, you all know I have been having car troubles...well they have not ended. And on my way to the airport to fetch Bontle, the car dies AGAIN and it is the clutch AGAIN and i have to get a giant yellow truck to tow me AGAIN! This time though, i was not stuck in Kramer, I was on the side of the N2 in a not-so-safe area at 5:30 meaning there was maybe an hour of sunlight left. I was angry beyond belief because i had had this exact problem fixed a week ago, fear that something terrible was going to happen while we wait, and pure and utter exhaustion for being alive. I think i can safely say i was a person there is body but not mind because i had given up...this was the last straw. I was sitting on the N2 waiting to be kid-napped/robbed/mugged in my piece-of-shit-breaking-for-the-third-time car after having a hard week and imagining a even harder one coming.

I made it home after the worlds slowest, but most helpful, AA man towed the car and then pushed it into the garage. I called my mom, cried. I called my dad, cried. And then i just cried more because i have spent this entire term dealing with car issues. I have made zero progress on my thesis, i have missed a week of class, and i have made absolutely no progress on my NGO project for my social justice class....and it is one week till the end of the first term.

So right now, I dream of leaving this place and coming back to one where all my clothes are clean, my work is done, my thesis topic is signed and sealed and my F**king piece of shit car actually works. I wish that the hotel cleaning ladies could clean my mess up.

Now, this is a emo post but it is all about all the emotions you can feel and how you can feel them all at one. I am happy, relieved, sad and exhausted. I feel like i do not want to come out from under the covers because it feels like Brazil's fire tornado is waiting for me outside. This feeling reminds me of Dido's 'Sand in my Shoes' song, where she does not want to unpack so she can forget for one more night that she is back.

So right now i am going to hide from reality for a little while longer; stay under my covers and pretend that I am not here.